Tuesday, May 10, 2005;11:47
Y
++ Is this m3 ? ++
It has been days since my last post. Mood wasn't that good so i went into 'hiding' *L*Why ? Hmmz the demon in me took over me again bahz... and therefore I know this time i MUST go into hiding if not the demon will conquer me and i will get hurt again from it which will turn me into a hateful person. I have promised myself i have to control dat demon 2 years ago. I never wanna see that devilish me ever again...But who will ever understand why the demon wanna come out so much... is he feeling injustice for u ? did he got depressed by u ? or is he juz feeling bored ? U gota think for yourself on that .....
So I don't feel like talking to anyone...not a single soul.
I need to go in battle to struggle & fight my emotions.
What did i do during my 'hiding' ?
Find things to keep me occupied.
Unable to sleep, cheong vcds all the way till my body can't take it. yeah i watched a very sweet Korean drama over the weekends.
As i didn't came online as usual for the last few days , Haze got puzzled and so she sms-ed me showing her concerns for me..so sweet of her.. thanks girl ! Though we just known each other for a short time but she always will give me a short caring msg to check if i m ok..It truly warmed my heart,let me know at least there is someone there still cares for u...
Sometimes friends you have known for YEARS will not even bothered of doing so...
Sometimes all i need is just a pat on the head or a caring hug but well at times it seemed so difficult...
Thats life bahz...
Sunday was Mother's Day so my sis & i treated my beloved mummy & daddy for a nice dinner at Crystal Jade Restuarant....Didn't celebrate much this Mother's Day as on Friday, we had already had a small celebration together with my granny, uncles & aunts.
To be frank, i m really very blessed with GREAT, lovely parents.. no matter how useless i may seemed to them, they still love me as much...it at times hurt me so much when i have made them so disappointed in me.. =( .. I know i could make mi life much happier and simplier which may lighten my parents' worries about me... but i think i still lack that courage to change my life.
During my 'hiding', i realised these few years i have changed myself in always escaping from fears, loss & regrets.. i used to blurst out every happiness and sadness easily and this at times angered other pple involved or around me .....but now it seemed at times i have learnt to keep a lot in me... a lot of emotions but seemed difficult to put into words or even find someone who i can able to confide to.....well, indirectly it has slowly trained my tolerance with a lot of things bahz hahaha...Is that good or bad leh ??
As i m someone who cries easily , I did realised 2 years ago, i was unable to cry, tears will refuse to come out even when i m watching touching or tragic shows , heart ached only... that is not ME... i what oso cry one...Even once tried to pinch miself very hard on my arm to make miself cry out... as they said if i cant let my tears come out means i m 'sick' coz my tears all flowing in my heart...
but recently i found out very little touching scene etc , e.g when the actress/actor cried in the show, i will follow suit and it will be uncontrolled...like water tap liaoz ... I really dunno whats wrong wif me...Siaoz liaoz maybe ... Little neglection i cry, little care i cry, little things did for me i cry... think the 'water' kept in there too long liaoz hahaha..
Well, Everyone has a 'demon/devil' staying in them...once u let him come out, he took control over u...it will be quite difficult to tame him into u again... unless u able to give him the security and make him stay guai guai in there.
If you let him take control over u, things might got complicated or decisions made will led to regrets..
2 ways i have learnt to tame that demon, in order not to got myself into insanity and end miself into disastrous situation..... 1st always ask or drop hints to clear ur doubts, it really worked, at least somehow it eases ur mind......2nd, but when you don't have the rights to ask to even probe....go into hiding...hide with the demon and bore that demon.. he will then got sianz and stay in there hahahahahaa..but well dun always do the latter, one day without your knowing, he will rebel..all accumulated will resulted into even more disastrous consequences...
Sherr|ne 
* @ |11:47|
